As a man in his early 40’s, it should come as no surprise that I am a huge fan of the Jackass movies. This weekend has been another very public substance abuse/mental health crisis affecting one of the actors. This brings to mind the issue—how do we encourage people in our lives to get help when they are resistant to accept help? It is incredibly difficult watching someone in your life spiral out of control while feeling helpless to do anything about it. And I am saying this as someone who has been on both sides of this dilemma. Here are three ideas that you can try.
1. The first and gentlest approach is coming to this person simply as someone who cares about them. Voice your concerns in a way that does not shame the person. Say something like, “I’m so sorry that your life feels so out of control right now. I want you to know that I’m here to support you, however that might look.” You can also offer suggestions of how you can help. Offering to get food for someone, helping to clean up their living space, going for a walk, hanging out in silence and literally “just being there” for them, and if it seems appropriate, offering help in finding professional help, are all excellent places to start.
2. If the person needs hospitalization or inpatient care, they are probably terrified of what that might look like. You can research for them what actually happens when you go to the hospital for medically supervised detox, or what happens when someone is evaluated in a hospital for mental health concerns. Knowing what is likely to happen when you get to the facility can make the decision to go much easier. And just as important, go with them! Saying, “I will take you to the hospital and stay with you while you get evaluated,” is another way to melt away some of the fear and shame of making a private struggle public.
3. Gentle accountability. What does that mean? Well, giving someone the phone number of a therapist, knowing that they are probably terrified of the repercussions of calling may not yield results. And badgering someone or threatening to break off contact if they don’t follow through with calling the number has the potential to really intensify the shame. Two great options are, offering to sit in the room with the person while they make the call, or, with permission, making the call for the person to make initial contact before handing off the phone.
I do not want to minimize how emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting it often is to try to help someone who is resistant to accepting help. You need to take care of yourself through this process as well. But staying in relationship with the person in your life through this process is key in minimizing the shame and stigma of asking for help. And I’ve said this thousands of times before, and I will say it thousands of times again, shame is the most deadly part of any addiction.
If this has been of value to you, please share this post. The life of someone not too far away from you could be saved by it. And if you want help in the process of getting someone help, call me. I am always happy to offer guidance, resources, and help, to keep someone safe. A free consultation is available for those who are unsure of what the next step ought to be. I am more interested in getting someone in crisis the help they need than I am in securing a paying client. Let’s take care of each other. It’s a rough world out there sometimes.
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